Blushing? Shyness? Social anxiety disorder? (If you don't like reading this is not for you.)?
So I grew up fairly shy. I was always quite and kept to myself. Through my years I gained a little confidence and even opened up a little. Lately though my shyness is hindering my life. Its not so much that I’m shy its more of the blushing thing. I blush even if someone is just saying "Hi" to me! I don’t know why I do, but here is a typical situation for me:
Person: Hi how are you?
Me: Uh good. (I’m too embarrassed to even ask them how they are)
Or when I worked for a store:
Customer: Where do you keep (item)?
Me: Uh I think its in aisle…(I forget just because someone approached me)
Here is another scenario:
I play instruments and sing. The second someone is around, though, I mess up a song that I know by heart, or I sing weird or out of pitch just because someone is around me (and for some reason I guess I’m even too embarrassed to hum a simple tune)
I have no idea why! My parents and all my sibling are immensely outgoing, one even thrives off public speaking, but me, I can barely walk in a room full of a few people without blushing, sweating, shaking or fidgeting. I know its physiological but I can’t seem to change my brain’s way of functioning.
I try every trick in the book from learning to relax to breathing exercises. I even forget about all the people in the room and tell myself that there not judging me but it doesn’t work. I haven’t had a conversation on the phone in years and when I do its always hard for me to talk and I usually end the conversation fast. I have been to the point of suicide because I feel so bad.
My family doesn’t understand and constantly puts me down for not being socially graceful. I quite my job and have a job that allows me to work in the shadows so to speak, just because I can’t handle public situation.
I feel worthless because I can’t be myself, and I know I could have a job, friends, and happiness if only I could shake this, whatever it is. This is also the most ironic part, I want to be either an actor or musician. I dream and yearn to break free and have my time in the spotlight! I need help from this "disease."
But most of all I can’t understand why this is happening, I don’t understand why I’m cursed, and most of all I want to be normal. So please help me, and sorry for the unusually large novel of a question.
Should I be on meds?!
P.S. I don’t run away from my problems I actually try and change my current state but everytime I do I revert back to my old self and have to leave the situation before I go insane. And yes I have tried hypnosis but no attainment. Also I’m nineteen and my life is just starting.
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Filed under: Public Speaking
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